This is where I muse. Mostly just thoughts on personal experiences and the philosophical impacts they have on me. If you dare, take a moment to read through. I'm by no means perfect, and you might not like what you read. Be warned.
Waiting For My Wife
May 16th, 2020
It's been about two years, 3 months since my ex walked out on me.
When she did, I made a promise to God to wait and see what He is going to do, and I've faithfully done that.
Since then, He has promised me a new wife... one that loves Jesus and has a passion for the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness, no matter what culture or even her own family says.
He has asked me to self-evaluate, and I have also done that, finding many p…
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COVID-19 And Alone
April 15th, 2020
Happy birthday to me. :)
As the entire nation wrestles with how to handle a near full shutdown, there are many of us who have become painfully aware of how alone we are. The daily grind use to deaden our pain, directing it away and allowing us to forget our lack of intimacy with another human being. I'm speak both physically and mentally.
We ALL long to be known and to know someone completely. This is the most important part of any re…
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Enduring The End To A New Beginning
December 19th, 2019
New changes at Acertus have made life extremely challenging, as the directives are more oligarchical than practical... even supercilious.
I'm almost ready to move on, as my goal was always to help the company, not fight with unspoken expectations from team members that can't figure out how to just lean over one cubical and say something. Even an email would be nice.
The choas is getting pretty insane, and as business owner I …
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Artistic Expression In New York City
July 26th, 2019
I recently took a trip to New York City. First time there!
I really don't want to go back.
Why? It showed me all the negatives of humanity... in one fell swoop. No, I'm not talking about the smelly streets and the homeless lying on cardboard boxes after 11pm at night. No, I'm talking about the massive focus on gain, self-preservation, and isolationism. I spent two nights out until 3am in a few bars and met some really cool peo…
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I Just Want God's Way — It's Best
July 1st, 2019
This does stem from the fact I was raised have certain expectations about human relationship protocols and over 38 years, have seen the massive importance of their adherance and execution between parties.
Ultimately, that is my life. I was raised to give glory to God, and no matter how far I try and run, He always brings me back to His word and obedience to it.
Why? It is simple, easy and light.
…
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He Did It For Me
June 18th, 2019
This probably has been the hardest thing to wrap my head around.
I'm a sinner, so I've always felt I God or anything from Him to me was an accident. In all transparency, I felt as though He wouldn't give me the bread and fish, and that a snake and stone were what I deserved. While I still deserve nothing, I've learned SO much more about the love of God for all of us, including myself.
Thus, I must confess that the reason G…
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It Gets Easier — Keep Waiting
March 20th, 2019
It's been 409 days since my ex left my side and told me she wasn't coming back. The first 7 to 8 months were horrifically difficult to get through, especially as I have not been able to identify any rational reason behind her departure, save for a psyche that corrupted its perception of me and my actions.
Ironically, for her claim at being "gas-lighted," to which I have no contextual evidence for, I myself found …
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Shadow Pain: The Gift That Keeps On Giving
August 31st, 2018
When someone is forcibly removed from your life, the pain lingers, even if they are the one that did the removal. I've written about this before as I've been working to revision the future without my ex, and it seems to be something I will deal with for a while — if not forever. I can imagine a happy life for me in the future, but that lingering feeling of pain as I sit in the quiet, surrounded by love, wondering why.
I know t…
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Why Am I Alone?
August 21st, 2018
Working at 4 am has both its privileges and its drawbacks. The house is quiet, as my children sleep with uncomplicated dreams of fantasy. I, however, am burdened with reality and a plaguing question that may never be answered.
Why Am I Alone?
I know the "how." My pastor shared with me that my ex felt that for 10 years she was never heard or understood. Ironically, for 10 years, I tried to understand her and seek to kno…
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The End Of Limbo: No Chance At Restoration
August 16th, 2018
I was given an email tonight from my ex from our pastor. We're done. She has requested a legal split between us. I've wanted a conclusion to the insufferable pain I experienced the last 194 days, but this was not the conclusion my heart truly desired.
There is no resolution. We just part ways. Our children will forever live in a broken home, with a mother and father who were unable to make it work. Even though there is nothing …
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Waiting On God: The Challenge Of Letting Go Of Ourselves
August 2nd, 2018
Today I was reminded of Abraham and Sarah and the wrestle they had in holding on to their faith and belief in God's promise to them both. Not only did it just take a while, but it also seemingly worked against the natural restriction God placed upon them. Sarah was well beyond the expiration of her child-bearing years, a seeming impossibility based on a restriction that God himself established.
Now, I'd love to embrace the hope that…
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Love Is Mysterious & Unpredictable
July 8th, 2018
I write about love a lot. Of the 7 types, usually Eros, Ludus, Philia, Agape, and Pragma.
The first two are the driving force behind most of my writings, and ironically each has a distinct place in my own philosophizing of the world around me. Ludos, or the playful and uncommitted love, may seem like the one to stay away from, but in all honesty can be one of the key tools to keep many healthy relationships as you mature…
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The Move Out Is Complete - Good-bye Felicia
April 7th, 2018
To watch your wife happily move her things out with a bunch of strangers isn't a pleasant experience.
Awkward, yes. But also, just a reminder of how much the world I thought I lived in was not real. Communication is such a powerful and important tool to establish community and relationships, but just because you are talking, doesn't mean you are communicating.
She finally has a low-wage job. Yes, I bought her a car. Yes,…
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Give All Your Cares And Worries To God
January 12th, 2018
“
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
1 Peter 5:7 NLT
As my Father, in His love, has graciously decided to remove my wife from me and give me the trial of my life, thus far, I am humbled by this command.
Sometimes I feel I can only give him certain sized wor…
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Welcome to the zgEXCELLcms!
September 13th, 2016
Welcome to zgExcell. This is your first blog post. Log in to modify it!
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