Give All Your Cares And Worries To God

As my Father, in His love, has graciously decided to remove my wife from me and give me the trial of my life, thus far, I am humbled by this command. 

Sometimes I feel I can only give him certain sized worries or concerns because those are small enough to overlook.

It is in these moments I realize the fleshly bent to my "submission" to Him, which attempts to play the obedient son as long as it is easy.

I've been wrestling with this since I started my business in 2009 and had no idea he'd take it this far, as I had no idea how deep this sin had taken root in my heart.

As my ex's catalysts for our divorce are based on the assumption that I intentionally lie and manipulate, it sorta makes sense that the wrestle I've tried to seek help and support with from her over the last 10 years is the foundation for her leaving.

What's sad, is the reality that most of the perceptions are not related to the wrestle, but coincidence and ironic happenstance based on my family-inherited memory issues and disposition. But for me, that doesn't make the wrestle any less real.

I know I've wanted to pretend I am better than I truly am, but it hasn't been until the last few months that I've been able to isolate why. Fear of punishment.

I've read this many times over the years, but I've been unable to connect it to me because I haven't done anything that's wrong in context with the fears I face... except punishment can also be unjust. 

I am terrified of being misunderstood and people judging and condemning me by unjust standards or irrational expectations.

This is exactly my predicament, ironically, meaning this is God's gift for me to overcome: To be judged and condemned by those closest to me for my God-given weaknesses and the sins they produce. 

What to do? Be even more open about my weaknesses and tendencies for poor memory. 

Also, I need to make sure those who are psychologically unable to handle me, like my ex, are kept at a safe distance. 

— Micah