He Did It For Me

This probably has been the hardest thing to wrap my head around.

I'm a sinner, so I've always felt I God or anything from Him to me was an accident. In all transparency, I felt as though He wouldn't give me the bread and fish, and that a snake and stone were what I deserved. While I still deserve nothing, I've learned SO much more about the love of God for all of us, including myself.

Thus, I must confess that the reason God sent Melissa away — was for me.

For 10 years I walked with her — praying for her, loving her, and pouring everything I could into being the best husband she could have. I asked God to reveal Himself to her, as I wanted nothing more than for her to know what an amazing, loving God He was revealing Himself to be to me.

Niether of us were perfect. We both wrestled with selfish attitudes trying to put each other first. Also, we both wrestled with family of origin issues, and that's where we found the most conflict. Her family of origin issues, including a number of them shared with her cousin and sisters, were performance-based exepctations and fundementalism wrapped up in emotionalism and legalism.

There were very strong, emotional reasons behind the expectations she had for our family and my performance as a husband and father, but at their core was always a perceived violation of the ego. This manifested itself in not just our relationship, but every other relationship she had, including her own family.

I saw God regularly challenging her on these expecations, and the result was quite often the same — when someone didn't measure up, she distanced herself from them and removed herself emotionally from them. This was a habbit she inherited from her father, one that he had learned to over come, but she was still very much involved with.

When I saw her wrestles and struggles, I prayed for her a lot. Sometimes she would outright walk away from God, and claimed a type of victimhood that lead her to place the blame on others for the challenges she was facing.

Eventually, I began receiving that blame as God brought it closer to home for her. But, God was faithful to me, calling to her, driving her to Himself, and challenging her to let go of her victimhood and embrace His love and grace for her. 

Finally, God did the unthinkable, fullfilling His promise to me, and took her away so that He could continue to work with her, giving her the desire of her heart.

From the outside, I am a direct catalyst in her decision to leave. The world of flesh would see our split as a result of my decisions to not cater to the expecations she requested from me. Additionally, they would find fault in my attempts to counsel and correct her as emotionally abusive. I do not wish to alter this, as humans see the outside, not the heart.

As I look back on this journey, I'm fill with reverence and humility as I stand before Him, looking at my own life choices and realizing how unworthy and imperfect I am. The difference between my ex and I, was that I confessed my sins and brought them out in the open so that they could be known by all and I could work towards being healed. She had chosen to embrace her sins as vehicles of self-worth, believing that God Himself was guiding her to walk in them.

It was upon this revelation that I knew I could not seek her or persue her anymore. Just as with other friends, I had to let her go into the hands of God.

I am nothing but a sinner, yet I have struggled to walk with my Father as best I know how, wrestling with my own flesh and praying for a wife that continually pulled away from me as expecations she has embraced as a requirement for our marriage were violated.

Then, my Father's merciful hand reached down and honored the cry of my heart for the last 10 years. She is free to live and walk with Him.

The pain is much like losing a spouse, as the lovely bride I cared for and loved disspeared within just a month — but it was God's love that separated us, as we were no longer able to submit to Him and to each other.

Yes, love covers a multitude of sins, but eventually the reality of the world needs to sink in and people need to wrestle with God... it is just very helpful if they can see Him and know Him through the actions of another first, so that they are not mislead when the time comes.

— Micah