Working at 4 am has both its privileges and its drawbacks. The house is quiet, as my children sleep with uncomplicated dreams of fantasy. I, however, am burdened with reality and a plaguing question that may never be answered.
Why Am I Alone?
I know the "how." My pastor shared with me that my ex felt that for 10 years she was never heard or understood. Ironically, for 10 years, I tried to understand her and seek to know her as best I could. I thought I was doing a great job with just a few bumps that needed some attention, and then she just leaves. Why would she leave?
I know the answer. That's what's so painful. Love covers a multitude of sins and transgressions. I have had an amazing amount of love for her. There was nothing she could say or do that would change that, even now with her leaving me. But she has none for me.
All I wanted to do is be loved.
We're talking about a holistic love here, including Agape love, Pragma love, Philia love, and even Eros love. But, first and foremost my love has always been Agape love. This love overlooks everything she has done to others and to me. It allowed me to serve her, forget her failures, and keep her at a place that never had any negative feelings in my mind.
Even now, I still wrestle with that, the pain and anger and fear wanting to corrupt her into something contradictory to the love I feel for her.
I have prayed for years God would change her heart, allowing her to connect with me and with others on an intimate level, her heart open and transparent before God and her loved ones. My prayer is that He needs to continue this process, just not with me in scope.
In contrast, God's has transformed my heart over the last few years into something that can't see others as evil, just in pain from sin that causes them to act in ways that need redemption and forgiveness. Even here, this remains true. My heart bleeds for her. I want to tell her how genuinely sorry I am for what she's going through. I never wanted that for her.
For 10 years I fought to be the best husband and friend I could.
I feel like God awoke something in me that my wife just missed, and had she held on longer, would have reaped all the benefits. But that's where the real question still burns deep within me. The "Why Am I Alone," isn't truly answered with "She doesn't love me." Instead, it points to a sovereign God who has purposefully been transforming my heart and actions but keeping her obtuse to it. This is the fundamental drive behind the question.
Yes, it's kind of a "why did You allow this to happen?" question, aimed specifically at God. He could have easily allowed her to hang on, but He didn't. He needed her elsewhere. Yes, the earthly logistics are painful, but ultimately, it's Him doing His thing.
"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord God Almighty."
This is where I end up, each morning, and each moment. I'm resting in the painful, yet loving hands of God who loves both my ex and I, and needs us for different things. My calling is to be a man of peace and love, reflecting His son always. My children need to see it. My ex needs to see it.
There is no other way. My heart has too much love it in for these precious people, which includes my ex, for me to hate or be upset with them.
— Micah